An amoeba dreams

2008-11-10T03:45:00.000-08:00

Powerless?

2008-11-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

A foreign worker stands amidst the clutter in the back room of an eatery, one of many that line the bustling side streets of little India. I spy into the small rectangle of light, framed by the night - his world. With a hand on his hip and a blank gaze on his face, he doesn’t see me, the voyeur, peering into his little world, a world boxed in by the darkness. Day after day, night after night, waiting on tables, serving customers, washing dishes, mopping up spillages, keeping the kitchen clean. Work. Neverending. Is the future as bleak as this tiny light, to be swallowed up by darkness? Can he improve his lot in life? Can we? Are we ever in control? Or do we have to keep playing the hand that life deals us?

We stand amidst the clutter of life. Sometimes it seems as if we are the voyeur, peering through another person’s eyes at our own lives, and we see that what we’ve been keeping busy with is insignificant and hopeless, hopeless to realize the dreams that we held on to – dreams long abandoned. And we feel powerless to change our fate.

Powerless.

Mindmelt

2008-09-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

Insanely busy at work these past two weeks. And to make things worse, I've to finish as much as possible before I can take my leave in peace. Hanging in there. One last day tomorrow... come friday ~ !

2008-08-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

Mile by mile it's a trial, but inch by inch, it's a cinch.

A sadder and wiser man

2008-08-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

-extract from "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

Eight thousand, three hundred and ninety-five days on earth

2008-08-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.

Golf is for everybody

2008-08-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

Golf is such a great sport, ya know. Relaxing yet invigorating at the same time. Good on the back too, all that hard, repetitive twisting and swinging in the same direction.

It's saturday afternoon. Imagine taking a walk on the turf, beautiful sunshine (of course you're all covered up in a polo tee and cap), the softness of the greener-than-green carpet grass ('course you're wearing your golf shoes), sand traps with soft white sand (take care not to get sand in your shoes), and clean, clear waters, a lake, maybe (and 'course you're not gonna take a swim, not even a dip).

Yea... There's nothing like spending a weekend afternoon playing golf, sending that dimpled golfball 100, 200, 300 yards away and lugging your heavy-as-hell golf cart after it. 18 times. Or, if you have a buggy, hop in and buggy over to wherever you've sent the golfball. Renting a buggy will effectively help you avoid all the tough exercise you were gonna get from walking that day. Nasty exercise, we don't want any of that, do we? No waking up with aches and pains the next day, after a HARD, hard day of golf.

Oh no, it's one of those times when you can't seem to find where the accursed golfball has disappeared too. I mean, the ball should be exactly where you planned it to be, right? You're a decent golfer, aren't you? Solid 3 dimensional golf balls don't just vanish into thin air. Golf clubs don't disappear either. Golf clubs can get bent from a tantrum, but they can't grow legs and sneak away, and neither can golf balls. The only possible explanation is that a gopher snitched it to adorn its burrow, or trade it at your local supermarket for a snack. Haven't you heard somewhere, that golf-course-dwelling-gophers use golfballs as currency? That's right! You heard it from Rodney, your pro golf-buddy. Said it happens to him all the time. Yes, yes. It was definitely a golfe - begging your pardon - Gopher.

Golf is for everybody. It's an ideal pastime that doesn't require much physical exertion. Unless you consider climbing up a 10 degree grassy slope exertion. Physically fit golfers will argue that going to the gym improve their swing, or enables them to climb 5 degree slopes without panting. Yes, biceps curls help when it comes to carrying the golf cart, but with a buggy you won't need to.

Like everything else, golf requires practice, practice, and more practice. Gain an edge by incorporating your golf stance even when visiting the public restroom with our 10 secret tips and etiquette from top golf champions.

Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anybody.
If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
Be quiet when others are about to go.
Keep strokes to a minimum.

So you see, if you are passionate enough, even when urinating in a public restroom, you will be simultaneously improving your game.

If you found this information useful, please leave your feedback at wedontgiveashit@golfsucks.com

A busy, busy little bee, aren't we?

2008-08-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Looking forward to finally putting my license to good use. But, before that, there are a hundred things to do... planning the route, destination and safety equipment, not to mention food, invited folks, programme, has to be a relatively quiet affair, limited places, hate leaving peeps out, but we're not setting sail on the Titanic, mind you.

Work is fine and dandy, and don't be mistaken, sure it's tiring, but I do enjoy it, problem is I've absolutely got to find time for the above and below mentioned, and improvement in other areas. Branding and advertising huh. I'll use myself as a case study.

Have to start exercising regularly again - getting me a tailored shirt. Thanks, man.

And my TP is this thursday morning. Hope I don't get marked down for being a private student again. Never check, never check... 38 points from "NOT" checking?!?! I don't think so. Biased pond scum. Chill, man, chill. Class 2 after? You never know when it may come in handy. As long as I'm not killed by you-know-who first. Won't be of much use then, will it? Probably be disowned. Heh. Grim humour.

Gosh, still have to prepare the itinery for next month. God bless you, Audrey. Rocky mountains? That's too far North, Mom says. 'sif we don't have enough time.

Question: 'ow does one save for a trip when 'ees supposed to be celebratin 'ees bert'day?

Casefiles: Patent 7314194

2008-08-11T01:12:00.000-07:00

Welcome! I will today bring you a small peek into the world of the World Intellectual Property Organization and an invented and patented something. Enjoy.

BACKGROUND OF THE INVENTION

The present invention relates to a novel and useful device for controlling the unraveling of a toilet paper roll.

Toilet paper is mounted in many cases to a holder which permits the toilet paper core to rotate when sheets of toilet paper are removed from the roll for use. In most cases such a mounting system is adequate to mete out toilet paper as needed.

However, pets such as cats, young children, and the like have a tendency to unravel or unroll toilet paper unnecessarily. Such unraveled paper must be discarded since it is often contaminated by contact with the floor or other items.

Well, well, well. This sounds promising, don't it? Who hasn't unravelled a roll of backside wipes and by accident carpeted the toilet floor? Surely we'd welcome a solution to a common household problem that has plagued mankind from the time he learned to wipe his own behind.

Now, now... which genius has delivered us from this predicament? I shall dedicate a blog article and half an hour of my time to celebrate the achievement of MONOSOFF, Tamara, A.; 125 Grover Lane, Walnut Creek, CA 94596 (US).

Give up.

I tried, I did, to appreciate the beauty of his toilet-roll-locking-mechanism that saves-the-earth-one-toilet-roll-at-a-time, but I was confounded by the scientific explanation of his invention. Mercy to those who are genuinely searching for solutions to common lavatory predicaments, and not actually actively seeking out a migraine. I shan't extract the entire PHd level analysis into this space. But, and you have been warned, IF, if, if you are still unwavering in your quest to get a headache from reading the passage in its entirety, please click here: GET YOUR PANADOLS AT THE READY!

Now, grant me the pleasure of making the introduction to an alternative solution that, although apparently not as patent-worthy as Mr/Ms Monosoff, Tamara A.'s highly complex award-winning toilet roll locking mechanism, Patent number 7314194, wins me over with its simplicity, aesthetics, and haptic nature. You be the judge.

Imagine sitting on the toilet, having finished your business, you fold up your newspaper/novel/psp, then reach over and tug at this adorable square of paper. Kata-kata-kata-kata. The clinking of the square-shaped cardboard centerpiece against the shiny holder produces a harmonious, comforting sound. By interaction with this simple, heart-warming design, your relationship with the effects of your bathroom has suddenly been transformed - a yearning for your next period of personal time in this special place wells up inside of you. This is simply one of the myriad of examples where the essence of a very human experience is enhanced through design.

Additional reading material, titled Usability of Toilet Rolls, this special report contains critical ground-breaking research on the effective use of toilet rolls relative to their orientation of 'over' or 'under'. Please click HERE.

Intelligent design.

Skill & Art

2008-08-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

Gijutsu, the Japanese word for "Technology", is comprised of two other Japanese characters: "Skill" & "Art/Technique"

2008-08-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Man is a student. Pain is his teacher. -Alfred Musset

Essential Life Skillz: Time-Wasting Tips!

2008-08-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

1. Resist all temptation to prepare shopping lists of any kind so you can endlessly wander through malls trying to remember what it is you need to purchase.

2. Accumulate as much stuff as possible, especially clothing and technology, so you can take extra time to find anything you might be looking for in carefully unplanned piles. Never, ever throw anything away or donate unused items to charities.

3. Eliminate every form of filing system that might organise contact details, passwords, banking documents, correspondence, warrantees or personal medical, or legal information.

4. Subscribe to all available cable, broadband and satellite television services available in your area so you can channel-surf into the wee hours.

5. Carefully read every email message that comes into your inbox, clicking every link, thoroughly exploring every website and opening every attachment. With luck, you will get a virus or worm on your computer and spend days with IT support.

6. Get in the habit of forwarding email jokes to friends, colleagues and even supervisors. This not only wastes your own time, it effectively wastes others' time as well.

7. Respond to each item of work as it arrives on your desk, avoiding any attempt to streamline your workflow or prioritise your activities.

8. Immerse yourself completely into every social networking site available on the Internet, carefully completing every section of your profile. Regularly update your status, upload photos, read every post you receive and share all forwarded posts with everyone on your lists.

9. Work long hours with no breaks and minimum sleep to effectively reduce your productivity levels and increase the length of time it takes to get even simple projects done efficiently.

10. Reject any form of meditative practice that may help clear mind traffic and improve focus.

-Kinzie

2008-07-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

The wise man asks himself the reason of his mistakes. The fool asks others.

Shake because you love

2008-07-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

cry because you care

feel 'cause you're alive

sleep because you're tired

shake because you love

bleed 'cause you got hurt

die because you lived

-Elisa

2008-06-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

I always divide people into two groups. Those who live by what they know to be a lie, and those who live by what they believe, falsely, to be the truth.
-Christopher Hampton

Procrastination

2008-05-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

Why do we fail?

We fail not because we intend to fail, but because we fail to do what we intended to do.

I need to start practising what I preach.

I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow.

2008-04-14T23:43:00.000-07:00

To no one in particular...

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

2008-04-03T03:56:00.001-07:00

Essential Life Skillz: Self-Discipline

2008-03-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

Polishing off a tub of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough as I write this.

Discipline. Not just dished-out discipline, but self-discipline. Self-imposed. If you're thinking hey this has got nothing to do with me, you couldn't be more wrong. Though it is more commonly associated with the military, it is nevertheless prevalent in normal everyday society. Things like washing your face and brushing your teeth in the morning, doing up your homework, getting to the office on time, finishing up the ice-cream before getting a new tub, and many more instances. It's becoming more apparent that discipline is an integral part of daily life, isn't it?

So what exactly is discipline?

Discipline isn't doing things that you like, but things/tasks that you do not. It is very subjective - determining if a task requires discipline, I mean. Take for instance, walking the dog. Sure, it doesn't seem much to ask to take the dog out for an hour every evening, does it? Especially if you enjoy doing so. If you got your pet before promising to set aside time to take care of it - you are a bad owner - please give your pet to somebody else. But occasionally there's this project to complete, or a deadline to meet. Is poor poochie pooch to be left at home to chew on an old slipper? Don't assume your dog wants a spare tyre just because you sport one. (could this be why pet dogs often look like their owners?) I don't know what's the right thing to do in this case. I'd probably go out for an hour to relax and clear my mind. This way I can work more efficiently later.

There has to be a better scenario.

Okay. Got it. The competitors, in Contender: Asia have been training hard for the past year. It requires a hell lot of discipline to continue with a regime day after day, probably for the rest of their fighting career. Eating well, sleeping well, giving the best in their training. One of the competitors made a point not to drink any alcohol. In order to give this contest his best shot, for the last 4 months, in addition to his training, he did not consume a drop of alcohol. It so happened that they were taken out for a night, to relax and party at Velvet Underground. This competitor steeled himself and politely refused when offered any alcoholic drink. Why let 4 months of hard work go down the drain in the span of one night? Besides, he had a fight the next day. Even though he eventually lost the fight (in a fight, anything can happen), I really respect him for that show of self-discipline. People at the club would surely have thought: How can he party and not drink? What a wuss. How many of us can really say that we would not have succumbed to peer pressure, or the fear of people perceiving us as a 'wuss'. You know, we always say that we don't give a hoot what other people think of us, but how true is that, really? In his position, would we have the discipline to stay away from alcohol? Just look at it this way: He would have been more of a fool to stay off alcohol for 4 months, and blow it in one night. That's much more idiotic than not drinking at a party.

So you see, there's much more to discipline than following rules and obeying higher authority. Self-discipline stems from a personal decision/conviction, and the strength of your mind to follow through. Which is truly in control? The mind, or the body?

To live without discipline is to die without honour.

You'll never get anything done without discipline, and you'll never go far without self-discipline. Be it building up a relationship (you have to put in effort when the going gets tough, its never a smooth journey), building up your health (eating and sleeping well, exercising regularly), building up a business (you have to put in both time and effort), or even quitting smoking (alot of effort for this one, or so I'm told).

Do or do not. There is no try.

What does it say about you, when you give in after 2 days of abstinence, during which you proudly proclaimed that you've quit? Talk is cheap.

After saying this much, I want to remind myself that this is definitely one skill I need to work on. I know - I won't press the 'snooze' button on my alarm clock (handphone) more than 6 times starting tomorrow. No, that's too difficult... Set realistic goals, kevin.

Aight. Got it.

I'll start on a tub of Haagen Dazs tomorrow. Promise.

2008-03-30T04:53:00.000-07:00

They tax me and they bill me,
send me to wars and try to kill me...
And my ideology can never save me,
as their bullets drill right through me...

Casefiles: Commonus Pencilli Erasus

2008-03-27T03:01:00.000-07:00

The common pencil-end eraser.

Just as no self-respecting English speaking person should use the term "rubber" in reference to an eraser (Singlish-poreans, you have been warned), and condoms are condoms, not "rubbers", neither.

Yes, was just coming back to that... NO self-respecting artist would deign to using that poor excuse for an eraser on the wrong end of a pencil. If you've noticed, using it only results in dirty streaks, torn papers and an occasional speared eye. After all, you ARE grasping the pencil as you would a dagger, plus, you're moving it furiously back and forth mere inches from your face.

Accidents happen, dearie.

2008-03-27T02:42:00.000-07:00

The most fundamental, utterly indispensable and absolutely irreplaceable tool for design, is, a long eraser, with a pencil on the other end.

What we do together, just might last forever

2008-03-20T01:48:00.000-07:00

Eyes that stare at us and plead,

give me something that I need;

Won't take much to put a smile upon that face.

Soul that's brighter than the sun,

with nothing to hide from anyone.

Screaming... take me away from this place.

Heard this beautiful song today. Don't know what the title is, though. Didn't bother me. Let me tell you why.

Naturally, I listened closer to try and make out the lyrics. After puzzling over them for a while, I realised that the lines had no link between each other at all... which explained the hard time I had trying to figure them out. (duh)

Sure, each line is beautiful on its own, but put together, its just a bunch of gibberish. Mumbo-jumbo. In Singaporean-friendly jargon: Rojak.

To understand the feeling of the disappointment I had after that realisation, let me just give you a simple analogy. Everyone should be able to relate to this (unless you are a social recluse, 2 hours' old, or a pygmy hippo).

Imagine the last time you had the experience of seeing an attractive person (of the opposite sex, PLEASE), and after 2 minutes of chat, you realise that the person has nothing of substance, importance to say. Its not a chemistry issue - you should be able to hold a decent conversation with almost anybody you interact with; with chemistry present, the topic/substance/direction of the conversation is irrelevant, believe me. There - recall that sudden feeling of disinterest and slight disappointment that accompanies the discovery of an 'empty vessel'? Sure, you can argue that you weren't expecting anything out of it anyway, and since you weren't expecting anything, why would you feel any disappointment? But you don't really expect anything out of a random nice song you happen to hear on the street anyways.

But my point is, you should actually listen to the lyrics of your music before nominating it as your favourite head-banging tune of ALL time, install it in your iTunes, or God forbid, recommend it to an unsuspecting friend (such as yours truly).

No, I'm not dissing R&B music. Okay... now I am. I mean, it has great beats, but over-listening is proven to destroy brain cells at an alarming rate. You have been warned.

If you didn't understand that analogy, I'll spell it out for you. The 'attractive person' is a metaphor for 'your first impression of a nice song/music'. The 'conversation/chat' is a metaphor for the 'lyrics/content' of the song.

If you still don't get it, I'll give you some career advice.

Go be a song-writer.

DHL - We deliver

2008-03-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

... whenever we want to

This is for those of you who've had DHL packages arrive late; you'll know what I mean.

(No prizes for guessing Chase's part-time job.)

"Will you please sign for this umbrella, ma'am."

I don't got no comb

2008-03-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose all your hair. -Judith Stern

The Whether Man

2008-03-10T07:33:00.000-07:00

"Oh no," said the little man. "I'm the Whether Man, not the Weather Man, for after all it's more important to know whether there will be weather than what the weather will be."

Some semblence of (in)sanity

2008-03-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

Great party, Nigel. Happy 24th, man. Boy, are you getting old. *Sniggers*

Am sorry that I missed your dancing segment though. Cheryl is sorry too, for waking up so late, and for drinking all the Johnnie Walker. Thanks for making us eat fish-flavoured dog food too, would never have the opportunity, privilege or inclination to sample this delicacy otherwise.

Which brand is it, btw?

Selamat Hurry (&) Run, ya?

2008-03-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

Thanks for checking in.

Gonna be too busy to blog in the next couple of weeks. Projects to do, criminals to locate, new serials to watch.

Season 4 : TOILET BREAK
starring M.S. aka Mas Selamat (not Michael Schofield)

SYNOPSIS
After intentionally getting himself incarcerated in Whitley Road Detention Centre to free his detained JI brethren, Mas Selamat (the Jemaah Islamiyah leader who has fled Singapore) is now on the loose. A cunningly planned and executed prison break, or should I say, toilet break (no pun intended). The escapee is (un)armed and dangero-ugly, all 1.58m of him. How did he escape? Black magic? An insider? A prison blueprint recently tattooed onto his gimp foot? More importantly, is he still wearing the same clothes he escaped in? And if he is, why hasn't anyone detected his almighty stench?

1 Litre of Tears

2008-03-05T08:36:00.001-08:00

By all appearances, I seem to be a very contented person. Cheerful, non-commital, optimistic, not bogged down by trivial worries.

Maybe its because I'm born a normal, healthy human being. Not autistic, blind, handicapped in any way, nor was I born into a broken family, with abusive parents, nor did I mix with the wrong company, get addicted to crack, nor am I sick with cancer or anything like that. (No wood-touching preceded or followed the writing of this paragraph)

If you're ever thinking of doing drugs, don't. It's not cool. It'll ruin you physically, mentally, socially, financially, emotionally, can't come up with any other relevant '-lly' words... Zzz. Anyway, to quote a friend, If ignorance is bliss, stupidity is ecstasy. If you don't get it, forget it.

Or maybe its because I'm tall, dark and handsome (riiight...). This is one cliche that needs a dose of the 20th Century. Tall, handsome and intelligent is more like it. Okay, so I'm not tall, dark and handsome. For the benefit of those who have not seen me in person: I'm sun-deprived (think Gollum from LOTR), an average height for a man (think Danny Devito), blessed with a mix of good-looks plus rough-on-the-edge charm (think Brat Pidd, George Looney & David Beg-for-ham (without the money)), a smooth-talker (think Piglet & Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh), and to top it all off - reasonably smart (think Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Well, not the part where he goes insane).

Sigh. All this shameless self-promotion. I guess what I want to get across is - I don't have a problem with the way I look. You probably have heard this before, but its so true: There are no ugly people, only lazy ones. I cut my own hair to save money and pass it off as the unkempt grunge look. Frankly, and I know it, it looks TERRIBLE. In actual fact, this is my little experiment, and it has really opened my eyes. Sieving out the real friends who give constructive criticism and those who try to suck up to me. They come right out and say, "It's awful. Here's 10 bucks, go to the barber, idiot!" The others say, "It looks FANTASTIC, you look SO GOOD, I can't believe you actually cut your own hair!" And when I offer to cut their hair, they laugh nervously and decline. Just kidding. Btw, if you try and prove yourself to be a real friend by commenting on how bad my haircut is the nextime we meet, it won't work. I've foreseen that too ;P

Why I brought up the topic of looks is because you can't be genuinely happy and carefree if you spend your whole life being miserable about who you are or what you look like. Its becoming more apparent nowadays. People are becoming, for better or for worse, more self-conscious. At this point, I'd break off and talk about ("Good Heavens, kevin, you're doing it again! Shut up already") something like plastic surgery, but that's another topic for another day. No one's going to notice that your left eye is larger than your right one, or that mole on your backside, or the 1 millimetre of fat you 'accumulated' around your waist from giving in to that sinful cookie-dough triple-scoop ice cream cone from Ben & Jerry's (speaking of which, I just recalled a certain someone who owes me a treat at Ben & Jerry's).

Oh wow, here I go blabbering on again.

"Kevin, you mofo, what has the title '1 Litre of Tears' got anything to do with all this jibberish? And crying? Are you going all sissy on us?!"

Don't worry, I'm not becoming an Em0 Nem0 (think a certain Singapore Idol contestant). No eyeshadow, oily long hair hiding my face from the world, no slit-wrists and scarred forearms.

If you haven't heard already, and its quite well-known, hmm... 1 Litre of Tears is a japanese drama inspired by the real-life (not reel-life) story of a teenage japanese girl inflicted with the dreadful spinocerebellar degeneration disease. This is a real disease, not a fictional one, mind you. 14 episodes long (short, I mean), this heart-wrenching series chronicles the tenacity of a 15 year-old japanese teen as she overcomes increasingly trying situations and encounters life's cruelty as the unforgiving disease slowly but surely incapicitates her. The struggle her family goes through, the predicament she's in, her sadness and inner fortitude, will move you, to tears, even, so long as you're not a block of ice.

If you are interested to know more, you can read more on my brother and his classmates' project blog:
http://www.spinocerebellardegeneration.blogspot.com/

Okay, that's all for my brief, amateurish review. Now watch it. It'll change your perspective.

No, I'm not becoming a perpetual optimist, crazy looney happy-go-lucky wacky person (just yet).

Haha. I's already the way I am before ever hearing about or watching that drama. It just served to reinforce my perspective and bring the important things in life to my attention.

I mean, there's so much to be appreciative about. Each morning you wake up to is a gift from God. The warm sunlight (even though I complain about the heat all the time), the refreshing rain (I only dislike it because of the hole in my right sneaker), the fresh(ly polluted) air. See! There's innumerable things to be thankful for - we're just too busy to pay attention. A new day with new experiences, albeit a mundane, boring job (haha). Even if it were so, you can still meet people from all walks of life, interact and learn many new things everyday. It's in how you interact with people.

On a side note, and I'm sure you'd like to hear this, even dispute it; It is my theory that sporting floppy hair makes me friendlier, as opposed to a slick hairdo, or cool guy-ish short-cropped hair. This applies to the non-narcissists only (narcissists will be affected with any kind of hairdo, with or without hair) - unconsciously you are putting effort into or concentrating on looking and acting cool. It's a psychological thing, I'm sure. More approachable, more comfortable with interacting and being myself, really. Logical?

And that's that. Until I become 101% comfortable in my own skin, a cool hair-do won't do for me, no pun intended. I'm already conscious of being conscious about the hairstyle, which is bad enough, thank you.

Yes, yes, I know I haven't been writing many side-splitting articles for a while, but that's because life is short and we should be spending every minute out there in the real world, talking to real, live, people. Not blogging for some imaginary audience to read, laugh and share your joys. Or the few friends who do bother to catch up on your sad, penned life. If they really care about you, they should be asking to meet up, have dinner once in a while, finding out and showing you care, in-the-flesh! (Apologies. Wrong context. It should be "in person")

Sure, I'll lose viewership, but I must be true to myself. Most audiences prefer drama and kpo-ing about other's lives to humour. But, because the thing I love most is hearing people laugh, I'll get back to that sometime.

I promise.

Cross my fingers, hope to die.

Leap day with Wong Li Lin

2008-03-01T00:48:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: The title is just a gimmick to attract your attention. The actual post will bore the living daylights out of ya.

Okay. How I spent Leap (year)day, Friday, the 29th of February, 2008.

Delivered some work to the printer at Bras Basah. Had a bit of a problem. Unfortunately- and it's unbelievable -but their version of AI is as outdated as bell-bottom jeans! And technology doesn't have cycles like fashion. Flabbergasted... Anyway, they aren't to blame at all, because, I know I've been told, but I forgot to save the file in eps format. (not to bore you with the technicalities, but recording my stupidity down will actually help me to remember in future!)

Planned to end work early & at Bras Basah, and afterwhich, nip down to Marina Square, meet up with a couple of good friends and catch "The Leap Years", which btw, I felt, is a great movie (maybe I'll review it, but by the time i get down to it, it'll have stopped screening), at 6:50pm. The late movies were fully booked and this one was going fast, at, let's see, 10 am in the morning when I did a telephone booking. Golly. Cathay & Golden Village were 95% fully booked and 5% going fast; it was a mad rush. Couples must have pre-booked it last week, or 4 years ago...

Anyhow, the self-generated inconvenience (nagging will ingraine the error deeper in my mind - an effective method, employed by mothers since the dawn of humanity) cost me alot of time. Finished my unfinished business at Bras Basah by 6pm, which left me only 20mins to get from Bras Basah to Marina Square cinema.

Now, for those who've been taught the art of telling the time, you must have spotted the discrepancy. The movie starts at 6:50pm, kevin. That's 50 whole minutes to get your ugly butt to Marina Square. Butt, but, and maybe you can learn something here - for those who know the art of movie ticket telephone bookings, you understand that the tickets must be collected 1/2 an hour before the movie screening time, if not it will be released to an overjoyed cinema patron - those 'last-minute-queue-to-buy-tix' kind, who will happily snap up your pre-booked but uncollected movie tickets.

Thankfully I've been blessed with long legs by God and my parents (who fed me well. Gosh, my mom... she must have been doing it right all along... I hate cod liver oil) and have long mastered the art of jaywalking, an essential life-skill for both the wanderlustful Globe-trotter and common Singaporean species alike. All the traffic lights worked in my favour, hehe, but the strangest thing I noticed was that the roads were clear of traffic everytime I needed to cross a busy main road. Just so the awesomeness dawns on you - for roads to be miraculously clear (vehicles mysteriously caught at traffic lights working in my favour) at peak hour on a friday evening in the heart of the city, this is a miracle. Thank you God. Also, I put my underdeveloped parkour (awesome sport, imo) skills to good use, by leaping over small obstacles like roadblocks, fallen tree trunks, overhead bridges and idling excavators. Just kidding - I meant pebbles, road dividers and sparse exhaust-plagued roadside greenery (sickly green).

So you see, when someone really wants something, the whole universe conspires to help him get it.

A friend once commented that I'm the fastest walker she knows. And that she's the fastest walker (is this even a word?) among her friends, and they complain about her, so that's saying something. Which reminds me, did you catch that cool movie, Walker? Anything. Anywhere. (Almost)Instantly. Starring Anakin Skywalker aka Darth Vader (Hayden Christensen) facing off Mace Windoo w/o purply lightsaber (Samuel L. Jackson). Not a bad sci-fi no-brainer action flick. 'Least it was better than Rambo 4, which was a no-brainer lame action flick for senior citizens and past-their-prime weight lifters who wished to get a vision of how their future body will look like in their golden years. It's cool, but not a great movie. Imagine a glorified playboy Nightcrawler (from X-men) without the bad skin pigmentation & tail. Backpackers will be appalled at this blatant disrespect and disregard of proper back-packing traditions, which involve actual literal travelling, a little bit of getting lost, asking directions, revelling in the whole experience of it.

Gawd, I'm long-winded. Just 50 minutes of my life and the story is 15 pages long already. I'm so born to be a scriptwriter. I haven't even got to the part where I'm queueing up for the tix yet.

Or maybe I did that on purpose. Huh, huh, huh! Think about it. After all, the dramas that keep us coming back for more always end each episode hanging. Man. I'm so born to be a director. Muahaha. Stay tuned! (not "stay-tune" like every talk show host says. That's bad grammar!)

Cheerio!

Chic(k) Toys for Big Boys

2008-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

Woohoohoo! Got a new toy today - a Bamboo! It's a lovely baby, it is... I christen you "Bambi! (And you shall be my Bambi!)"

[Starts talking maniacally to myself]
Can hardly wait to start usin' you, Bambi, but I'm always so busy on weekdays... Will experiment with ya lots over the weekend, definitely! I'll keep you in a safe place, oh yes, away from those nasty prodding, poking paws.

We shall make beautiful creations together, you and I.

Cost: $289. Sponsored by Pop(z). Thanks Pop - you're the best!

MRT Blues?

2008-01-31T07:09:00.000-08:00

Boring morning ride to work/school?

Just a few activities to entertain myself on the MRT:

Giving up my seat for pregnant ladies and the elderly.
Rushing for seats with those kiasu aunties who storm into the MRT when others haven't yet alighted.
Winking at pretty office ladies.
Politely reprimanding spineless people (invertebrates) who lean against the pole.
Purposely requesting to sit when someone has his/her bag occupying a seat. (thunder thigh or gargantuan rumps are also good targets)
While getting into a seat, pushing up against people whose enormous behinds are spilling over into the next seat/those who think they are very big in stature (but are actually not... zzz).
These come along once in a blue moon... Using my shoulder to bump sleepy head-nodding fellows' nodding heads. Bump-bump.
When someone's morning papers intrude into my personal space, I take the chance to catch up on the news - by reading over their shoulder.
Try this: pretend to get up to exit the train, but when a kiasu someone makes a move for your seat, you sit back down and say, "Gotcha!"

Happy Twenty-Oh-Eight!

2008-01-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

Before I bore you with my account of the past year (you know how I drone on and on) or make you cringe at my goody-two-shoes new year resolutions, let me first wish all my friends a very Happy Belated New Year! Yes 2 weeks into 2008 but better late than never, right?

3 cliches come to mind at the start of each year. "Live life to the fullest!", "Have no regrets!", and last but not least - "Live everyday as though it's your last!"

There was this little article a couple of days ago, about a group of Koreans who believe that through a will-writing cum funeral exercise, they can learn how to live better lives. They cried when writing their will, attended their own funeral, and lay in a coffin in pretence of passing on. Ridiculous... although I'm sure they gained deep understanding of the hierarchy of important things in life.

It's really not necessary to lie in a wooden box in exchange for this insight. You probably have it figured out yourself. If not, simply ask your grandparents.

Nope, it's not losing that tummy you've spent so many years cultivating. Nope, it's not shopping for more luxury goods. Nope, not catching up with the Joneses. And definitely not spending more time in the office.

Instead, you should be cultivating your family relationships. Relaxing in the luxury of your home (be it condominium or 3-room HDB flat). Catching up with old friends. Spending more time with your relatives.

After all, family are those who love you unconditionally, even though they may not know how to show it. I'm not sure I know how to, either. And friends - those who know you and love you just the same.

Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief. - Joseph Addison

Yes, these are the things that are truly important.

Back to you, kev.

What ARE your resolutions, huh? No cigarettes to quit, no tummy to lose, and if I drink any less than I do now, I won't have a social life at all.

Well, this year, I'll work towards being more honest with myself and frank with others. More encouraging to my friends. Have a better memory of people's positive traits, but be more forgetful when people wrong me. Less critical of others, more open to criticism. More content, finding joy in simple things. To be a happier person all year round.

Super goody-two-shoes, huh?

You can go puke now, if you haven't already.

But at least I can tell Santa I've been good all year round.

I am still alive!!!

2008-01-11T08:35:00.000-08:00

The title says it all.

I have survived the Standard Chartered Marathon (barely) and the Holiday Season (lagi tiring, but enjoyabler). So please, don't erase my number from your handphone just yet, and stop checking the obituary page. So, so, so very enjoyed Christmas. Happy New Year everyone, and best wishes to all my friends for 2008!

If you notice today the English very bad. I am taking a break from using proper English for awhile.

Sorry for not update so long. Come back see soon. Thank you.

Casefiles: The Greatest Race on Earth!

2007-12-01T05:27:00.000-08:00

You know it is a crazy world when you pay a discounted price of S$44.00 for a singlet, 2 ugly bags (you will only use them once in your life), countless brochures and advertisement flyers, a measly satchet of muscle rub (for muscles you never knew existed), and just to seal the deal, a packet of uncooked spaghetti noodle that you can get from the supermarket at $1.60.

Oh, did I mention that you are also paying to drag your sleepy self out of bed at 4 in the morning (a great song by gwen stefani, btw) on the 2nd of December, to congregate outside the Esplanade in the wee hours of the morning with 31,000 like-minded lunatics? No, the Great Singapore Sale is over. No, it's not a durian party. And NO, Zoukout is next week, mush-for-brains.

FYI, Zoukout is an annual all-night beach party where you fork out up to $58 to frolick in the Sentosa sand in your teeny-weeny bikini with like-minded lunatics, blasted by mind-blowing music all through the night, high on alchohol and low on cash (afterwards).

I'm talking about the Standard Chartered Marathon. This year's theme: The Greatest Race on Earth 2007/08 - Race For a Living Planet! *cheesy powerpoint trumpet sound effect*

Oh, btw, what do the Standard Chartered Marathon and Zoukout have in common?

For starters, they require you to be awake in the wee hours of the morning. Second, they leave you physically and mentally drained. And last but more importantly, just so you know, these are activities you could do for free any other day of the year. No kidding.

Most people learn their lesson after their first experience. Not me, no. I'm a slow learner, I am. Just 365 days after the my last lesson in pain, which lasted a good 6 hours, here I am subjecting myself to it all over again.

42.195 kilometers of hell.

Why am I doing it?

Because I have nothing better to do on a Sunday morning? That's not the reason.

For the bananas? Now I love bananas, don't get me wrong, and I could just stand at the banana counter eating bananas all day long. But that's not the reason.

Neither is the free 100plus.

Is it because I've already paid $44? Well, partly.

For the Finisher's Tee? Nah. That's probably less than a dollar in production costs.

I'll tell you why I'm doing it. For the chance to break my existing record, that's why! After all, there's a good chance I'd hit a WHOPPING 7 HOURS this time round!

The only thing that bugs me is that I'm running for 7 hours straight only to end up back at square one. I start at the Padang and end at the Padang. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are 31,000 other people. It's like they are using their weekends' off from the rat-race to join another rat-race. Both don't get them nowhere. Disturbing.

Not to mention that I have to cab back home after. Sure, you may own a car, but your feet will be so beat that you will end up crashing due to cramps. After all that running, I return to the Starting Point cunningly renamed "The Finishing Line". I might as well jog all the way home. At least that way, I AM going somewhere. Bah.

And I haven't been training, neither. So, this may very well be my last post, dear readers.

Cheerio!

For more information on The Greatest Scam- I beg your pardon - The Greatest Race on Earth, please visit http://www.thegreatestrace.com/

Saving the World... 1 Grain of Rice at a time!

2007-11-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

Oh bother.

My sleep-early-wake-up-early regime has been broken. But it was for a good cause. Occasionally, besides giving up my seat for old ladies on the train and bus, keeping to the left on the escalator, helping up a drunk person from his puddle of puke, and buying shots from those poor, pitiful bar girls, I set my sights on something greater than the aforementioned. Thursday was one such occasion.

At 2300H on Thursday, in the dead of the night, I was about to Shut Down my computer by hitting the "START" button (just think about that for a second... hmmm), and head upstairs to lie as though dead upon my comfy queen-sized bed, some inconsidera- I mean - the lovely, heart-of-gold, Samantha Wong MSNed me.

In perfect Engrish she ordered me to go to the linked URL and play an online game to help which contributed to rice donations for the poor.

SYNOPSIS
Aptly named 'FreeRice', one's command of the English language will be put to the test in this gruelling, highly addictive, vocabulary-based game. Little by little, the animated bowl will fill up with digital rice, and your rice pile will grow bigger and bigger. Each grain of digital rice you earn will count towards a real grain of rice for a real, live child. For each word definition correctly answered, starving children in Third World countries like Bangladesh, Cambodia, Khazakstan and the US & A will be awash with gratitude for the additional 10 grains of rice in their ricebowl. If it is your wish that the other children will not to beat the poor chap to death over his 10 precious grains of rice, you will have to continue playing to provide them all with 10 grains of rice each.

FAQ
What if my vocabulary is poor?
Don't worry, with each wrong answer, the difficulty of the next question will be reduced. And reduced (this means EASY). And reduced further (this means MORE EASIER). And reduced further. Until you get words like 'house', 'car' or 'dog' or 'policeman'.

What if my vocabulary is really poor?
There is an option for you to make cash donations. GIVE $$$. Ya.

What if my vocabulary is too good?
Good for you, mate. There is a vocab level which will increase and grant you more challenging, rarely seen or used words.

What if my vocabulary is really too good?
Get a higher paying job, then make cash donations.

Can I donate macaroni and cheese?
Yes, donations of macaroni and cheese, pizza and other delicacies can be made to a special collection center. Leave a message, I will tell you my address.

FYI
The World Food Programme is run by the United Nations in its fight against global hunger.

"As the staple diet for over half the world's population, rice is a key component in the WFP's operations, whether helping flood survivors in Bangladesh or feeding hunger's less high profile victims..." read more

A good half an hour past midnight Samantha and I tallied the score. Together we racked up a grand total of 3760 grains of rice (how many people does that feed?)! Great effort, Samantha! Hi-5!

Woohoo! 2000 grains of rice and Vocab level 37 (w/o dictionary.com)

Every Grain Counts! DO YOUR PART! START PLAYING NOW!
Click HEre - http://www.freerice.com/

PS: Samantha went on to play another game: Jelly-Battle well into the morning of Friday, the 23rd of November. And proclaimed herself King-of-Jellyland (LOL) before I corrected her title to "Queen-of-Jellyland". She then took her anger out on me by forcing me to address her as "Her Royal Jelly-ness" and reluctantly granted me permission to retire for the night.

PPS: I slept at 2am writing this darned post. Also, out of curiousity, I looked up 'howdah'. Apparently it is the name for a platform placed on top of an elephant for one or more persons to sit. I never knew that.

Saving the World... 1 Life at a time!

2007-11-21T09:01:00.001-08:00

I attribute my lack of blog posts to a hectic work schedule. Also, fitful dream-haunted slumber that makes me feel as if I hadn’t had a wink of sleep. And an orgy of temporal activities that only serve to occupy the moment. Only check back once a fortnight or so; link to friends’ blogs and see what they’ve bee- I mean to KPO (verb) – at the same time view any comments.

Been close to 3 months since I entered the working world; mine is a design role in a small branding and advertising firm on top of some supplementary part-time work. When I do have a minute or two, catching up with friends in the very few moments that are interspersed, too sparsely if you ask me, in the daily mundane repetitive monotonous (forgive me for repeatedly repeating myself again one more time), mundane repetitive and monotonous life of an adult drone in the working society.

Thanks, Sandy, for the timely prompting. And to an anonymous viewer who brought up the age-old question that has befuddled all the great minds of our time, and ever so often, come back to haunt every individual who has an IQ greater than a chimpanzee.

Yes, yes. It’s been running through my mind lately. Just haven’t got the time to put it down on paper.

Perhaps I’ve been procrastinating. Perhaps. I’ll think about it tomorrow. The truth is, I prefer to write light-hearted entries contraire to my outlook on life, rather than tackle reality, which has, only recently, albeit brutally, dawned on me, at age twenty-two.

What is the meaning of life?

Frankly, dear reader, if I would be so bold to proclaim – I have the answer in the last paragraph of this post, but let’s follow the ‘normal’ train of thought (of any self-claiming ‘intelligent’ but in fact very stupid and stubborn, human being).

IMHO (in my humble opinio– I mean – imho (without capslock on, brings out the more humble vibe, dontcha think?), I am the last person you should listen to, or engage in a discussion with, with regards to the meaning of life. After all, I’m still young (being self-delusional here, haha), and have not had half the life experiences of my parents – much less my grandparents. You know how they used to say, “Listen to our advice; we’ve eaten more salt than you have rice.” True, no doubt, but I attribute that to the noodles and pastas we eat nowadays... haha. On top of that, my well-meaning parents, I don’t see any dishes today made without a pinch of salt (watching western cooking shows you learn that a pinch is, in actual fact, a handful).

Besides that, you ought not to take the views of someone who signs off every post as ‘The Sophisticated Amoeba-dude’ too seriously. I mean, how complex and opinionative can a single-celled organism be? A protoplasmic jelly the size of a pinhead. A dollop of primeval, pond-dwelling goop.

Undeterred? Read on.

Posed the question to Chaihuat, whose msn nickname at the time read - “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all.” He commented that this question would, most of the time, be asked by people who were unhappy with the situation around them. And would, in despair, disgust or frustration – or all three of the above – force that question upon themselves and anyone who would listen.

At some time or other, we have experienced a sense of helplessness wash over us. When we feel we have no control over our lives. When fate has thrown us a poor lot. When things don’t go our way and we just feel like wallowing in self-pity. When all the pent up stress, disappointment and frustration with ourselves or/and others finally reaches breaking point, that unanswerable question escapes our lips.

Ever felt that way? Yes?

No surprise there. We’re all human – each small and insignificant. 9 billion people inhabit the Earth. We are literally lost in the sea of humanity. Stuck on the only inhabitable planet in the universe with no control over our destiny. Helpless to the whims of fate.

At this point, if any of you readers are having suicidal sentiments, please stop reading. I would also like to take this time to say that I, Kevin, NRIC, and my alter-ego, Amoeba-dude, will not be responsible for any depressions, angry outbursts or suicides that may occur as a result of this post. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Moving on…

As I often do when reading difficult novels, I typed in the word in question into an online dictionary. To my chagrin, Dictionary.com produced no less than 36 results – 25 nouns, 3 adjectives and 8 idioms – from the word ‘life’.

Wikipedia states that there is no universal definition of life – there are only a variety of definitions proposed by different scientists. I daresay nobody in the present and far into the future can take an unequivocal stand on the meaning of life.

Scientifically speaking, life is, to put it very bluntly, the condition that distinguishes organisms from inanimate objects.

Religiously speaking, life is but a brief existence during which choices made will determine your position in eternity.

Recklessly speaking, life is a brief existence during which one should enjoy to the fullest, and disregard the consequences, be it worldly or eternal.

Romantically speaking, your life, every breath, every moment, every penny (for the gents) belongs to that special someone.

Matrimonial-ly speaking, your life is OVER.

Sigh... we still haven't answered the question...

Once again, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

Why are we here?

No, friend, it’s not for Changi Village Nasi Lemak. Nor is it for Katong Laksa, Bedok Ba-chor-mee, or Thai Green Curry.

What is the origin of life?

Did you think we evolved from primates? No matter how wizened and wrinkled your great-grandparents look, do you think we are in any way related to Orang Utans? Your personal hygiene regime (or lack of it) may have you scratching yourself furiously everywhere you go, but that's no reason to assume a simian origin. I apologise for picking on monkeys all the time, but the idea is ludicrous! Monkeys? Chimpanzees? My friend... you're going bananas! If only you could hear yourself… “We came from monkeys!” Ooh. Aah. Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, eh? I have a theory on Darwin. My Theory is that DARWIN WAS ADOPTED.

When did life originate?

During the BIG BANG?

Can the countless, minute (no pun intended) pieces of a Patek Philippe (a watch, duh), when placed in a box and shaken, through the eons, each and every part fall into its place by chance and assemble itself to create a beautiful, elegant, perfectly functioning timepiece? Fools. Even then, where would the battery come from? ;P

Did the Universe, more beautiful than a Pathetik Philippe by far, by some infinitesimally small sliver of fortune, come about in a gargantuan, chance explosion? If you bought this concept, you are inadvertently admitting that you are a fluke. A freak of nature. No, no, I didn’t mean you, Jeric. HONEST.

What is our purpose?

Is it simply to recreate and procreate? To aspire, transpire, then expire? What a meaningless existence.

Come to think of it, Chaihuat also mentioned that our purpose in life is to have a purpose in life. Kind of ambiguous, if you ask me. I guess what he means is that we have to find our own meaning in life.

Along the way, you might stumble upon the little-black-leather-bound best-selling-book-of-all-time that holds the answer to this question as well as every other important question you might ask during your brief stint on Earth. I’m not trying to preach to you. I have yet to practise what I (don’t) preach.

The thing is, I was trying to avoid this topic. I mean, there’s so many things I haven’t experienced in life. Someone just had to set me thinking. Worse – request for it to be put down in black and white.

Rats.

Thanks for making me dwell on negative thoughts. Cheerio.

2007-11-15T06:41:00.000-08:00

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. - anon

I'm a lean, mean, Operationally-Ready machine!

2007-09-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

It’s about time I updated my Friendster profile, and in order to make way for a new description, I have to migrate off my Friendster page the post that is a little less than a proper summary of the 2 years, or 24 months, or 730 days of tortu…fulfilling, achievements-filled, NS ;]

Let’s start with Basic Military Training(BMT) – it is the initial indoctrination and instruction given to recrui...What I meant is, I truly cherish the camaraderie formed during BMT & agree that apart from this period of clearing leave & OFFs, it is THE MOST enjoyable experience ANYONE can hav...oops, survive. ANYONE who is forced to cut his hair shorter than his eyebrows. Yes. Most enjoyable indeed.

Just some friendly advice for recruits-DO NOT CLUB as a SECTION, PLATOON or, God Forbid, an ENTIRE COMPANY. If humping a low wall won't suffice, and you've been denied contact with a female specimen for more than 72hrs, please... please... at least be accompanied by friends who have hair longer than your pubes. And wear a cap. Not everyone looks like Wentworth Miller, & regardless of what your closest friends tell you, you do NOT look remotely like Schofield from Prison Break.

In this 2 years or mise... I mean - fun, laughter, peace and joy, you will come to appreciate the wileful antics of your buddy. Everyone has. Oh, I'm not talking about your immediate BMT buddy. I'm referring to Murphy. Yes, THAT MURPHY. The one who follows you dodgedly every step of your NS journey. Cursed be you.

Looking back I realise I spent more money on haircuts during the last 2 years than my entire Secondary School and Polytechnic life.

Of course, being a thinking soldier, I soon discovered other ingenious ways of saving. First up, may I present... the 'Stay-in' Philosophy!!! I find 'confinement' works equally well, especially for the weak-minded individuals, since it affords a certain degree of enforcement. Second is what I like to call the 'Cookhouse Concept'. Saves tons of $$$. Unless you pig out at brunch, tea break and supper. Besides the obvious monetary savings, certain side benefits include efficiency in common household chores and an acute appreciation of civilian cuisine respectively.

Looking back, I also realise that I have run more in the past 2 years THAN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Becoming slightly fitter was inevitable. My crowning (albeit unimpressive) physical achievements include a max 26 chin-ups, 7:35 SOC & 42.195km marathon, which I joined with the peeps of 20th WSO(ADA).

If perchance by some trick of the mind or refraction of sunlight you should perceive me as muscular, I suggest you proportion that to my height & compare me to a nearby lamppost. As for the Abs, I was born with them, as are all human-beings.

Like most NSmen, I am now cultivating my spare tyre. Who knows when I might need to draw upon that extra reserve of energy? Or come to the aid of a bikini-clad damsel in distress, stranded on the highway with a punctured tyre and in need of a spare?

And besides, love-handles are hot.

Essential Life-Skillz: Dialects of Today, Communication of Tomorrow

2007-09-25T01:18:00.000-07:00

In today’s increasingly competitive society, communication is a skill essential for survival in the working world. This is especially true in Singapore, because of its ethnic and cultural diversity. Any Tom, Dick and Harry can speak a second language or dialect on top of his native tongue. From the time you step out of your house to the moment you fall asleep - all through the day - your ears would have been assaulted with an incomprehensible cacophony of sounds and noises. And yes, I’ve taken into account the fact that you aren’t a heavy-metal junkie.

Back in our parents’ time, dialects such as Hokkien, Cantonese & Teochew were commonplace, but since these stemmed from the Chinese language, even if you were unable to converse in the dialect, you would at least be able to understand most of what was being said. Le meng-pek wa kong si-mi?

What’s all the fuss about, dude? Why are you making such a big hoo-ha? You're blind! The solution is so obvious - English! English alone is sufficient. It is the unofficial universal language! Everyone should be able to understand English by now, if not, they deserve to be labeled as uneducated sons-without-fathers and should be damned to a-very-fiery-place!

I’m reluctant to burst your bubble, but - contrary to popular belief - the universal language is, in actual fact, constituted by a single upward gesture involving the middle appendage of either hand, often accompanied by a well-mannered sneer. Now that’s what I call universally understood, won’t you agree?

Okay, okay. So we become bilingual. We master 2 languages (Singlish no count!) and more. We communicate effectively. We curse and swear in multiple languages. Just when we thought we had it all TC of, just when we think we’re doing A-OK, along comes something called JARGON (pronounced jahr-gon). No, it’s not a polygon with jarventeen sides and jarventeen angles. Yes, the cookie jar is still there. And NO, it’s not that goofy alien from Star Wars: Episode 1.

Wikipedia - Jargon is terminology related to a specific activity, profession or group. Much like slang, it develops as a kind of shorthand, to express ideas frequently discussed between members of a group. Let me give you a few examples commonly found in NS…

ATTN B – Attend ‘B’, personnel excused from strenuous or physical training, but are otherwise required to be present for the training or class. More likely a Chow Keng (see below)
Chow Keng – Malingerer. Lazy bugger.
Clusterf*ck – A disastrous situation that results from the cumulative errors of several people or groups, more often than not, constituted of c*cksters (see below)
C*ckster – A person who is habitually confused or amusing in a weird way. More than likely to gabra (see below)
Gabra – To be exceedingly confused and ultimately... to f*ck things up.
NATO – No Action Talk Only.
WALI – Walk around looking important. (I plead, NOT GUILTY)
WTFO – What the !@#$, Over.

If you found these chim, I've got news for you. These are just the tip of the iceberg. Computer scientists, doctors, and sports commentators all speak a language of their own. And that's not counting a certain friend named Sandy. If it hasn't already dawned on you... the average person like you and I cannot hope to comprehend a mere 1% of the world’s jargon. But don't start panicking now! ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST... yet

Aside from those, we have yet to master the countless Abbreviations wherever we go.

Here are some from back in school:

ASS – Anderson Secondary School
CCA – Co-curricular Activities
IC – In-charge
NCC – National Cadet Corps
NPCC – National Police Cadet Corps

The corporate world:

CEO – Chief Executive Officer
CFO – Chief Finance Officer
CDW – Chief-Dog-Walker

Good luck with those.

SMS. The innovation that is text messaging does nothing to help the already dying English language. A beautifully refined request to watch a film together with a acquaintance is reduced to an abominable “Wan2go4movie l8er?” Believe it or not – After months of training, talented txt msgers are able to squeeze a 150 word essay into a single txt msg, thumb down to the intended recipient and ‘send’, all within a full half-minute! No mean feat, indeed! Whether the development of this ‘useful’ skill is a product of innovativeness and the need to save money, or just plain laziness, we will never know. Okay, dude, I see your point… K, k I c ur pt… bah.

As if we hadn’t enough to deal with, new sub-languages are created everyday.

13375P34l<, or ‘leetspeak’, is one such example. Proficient gamers are adept at conversing in leetspeak, in fact it is deemed cool to have nicknames such as...

D00MBR1NG3R (DOOMBRINGER)
N0ol3-K1LL3R (Newbie-killer)
7H3_PWN3R3R (the pwnerer, whatever that means)

Sentences composed entirely of leetspeak, lightly interspersed with obscenities and taunts, are an integral part of in-game-chat, in games such as DOTA, for instance.

“Got $ buy BKB anot?!” “QOP, help!” “PWN HIM, tat @#$%er!” “LOL, N00B!”

Quoting a gamer friend of mine: “Everytime we say ‘lol’, we’re contributing to the death of the English language.” How true. LoL.

The death of the English language? OH PLEASE! Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill! It's true. Singaporean’s grasp of the language is deteriorating, whether they care to acknowledge it or not. If you will let me, I will show you how to spot the symptoms.

Go to your MSN messenger and scroll down the list. Before you misunderstand, hear me out, please. I know all about democracy and freedom of expression, and it’s not my intention to be a killjoy and stifle your creativity, but I’m pretty sure no one wants their friends to get a migraine from trying to decipher their nicknames, including you. Some of the atrocities are…

CoOL, I tYpInG LiKe A 3yEaR oLd
ihavenospacebar
SRRYMYCAPSLOCKSPOIL
>lV3d5 NM0(-3(!5dn
?GNIPYT SDRAWKCAB ,TUOBA WOH

If you have something to say, something of substance, the importance of your shout-out should be conveyed through a proper English sentence. Take, for instance, this famous saying:

A leader is a dealer in hope. – Napoleon Bonaparte

Imagine this famous quote from a great leader like Monsieur Bonaparte, framed in a speech bubble, which now reads:

~a LeAd3R iS a DeALeR iN HoPe.~ (Signed off as) N4p0L3ON l3oNaP4R73.

WTF? Would you take him seriously? Not me. The substance contained within the message has all but evaporated. My impression of him is of a ridiculously dressed clown balancing atop a donkey & shuffling a deck of cards. Dealer in hope, my ASS.

Imagine where we're headed, somewhere in the near future, that every sentence we'd read was as such. Deal out as much hope as you want, but i fear – NOW – ALL HOPE IS LOST! (cue- Start Panicking)

Casefiles: The Blackle Incident

2007-09-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

The lowdown on Blackle, the new black Google: it doesn’t save as much power as envisioned. Was the entire project a waste of time and resources?

I think not.

While Blackle failed to accomplish the energy savings it was supposedly designed for, it actually achieved something far greater and on a deeper level than straightforward statistics.

The Blackle Incident served to bring about a greater AWARENESS of THE NEED TO SAVE ENERGY.

For those of you still in the blac… I mean, the dark, saving energy couldn't be easier. Is it that difficult to turn off the power to your PC/ADSL modem every night? If you are really serious about saving energy and Saving OUR Planet, get to it!

Spread the message. Awareness is the key.

PLANETEERS, LET OUR POWERS COMBINE!!!

Happy Birthday, & Bon Voyage!

2007-09-21T10:25:00.000-07:00

Happy 21st Birthday, Pek…or should I say Weijian? After all, half the people in attendance go by the name Pek. The ADA guys were about to shout for you to come over for photo-taking; it’s a pity they managed to stop themselves from yelling “PEKK!!” in the confines of the condominium clubhouse. If not, a riot would have broken out, and I’d now be comfortably asleep/unconscious on a luxurious hospital bed. Have you wondered why Hospitals are looking more and more like 5 Star Hotels these days? Ask me.

Bah. Guess I’ll have to do with the rickety sofa bed in my living room. No and no. I don’t have a bed, neither do I have a room of my own. The studyroom, which I inhabit most of the time, has a signboard which reads “SLAVE QUARTERS” displayed cheerfully for all to see. Charming.

It’s not hard to see why a great, friendly, down-to-earth individual like you has so many friends and family, who love you enough to take the time to show up to celebrate your coming of age. I hope for his own good that the person using the Nikon’s Face priority AF(auto-focus) camera still has a valid warranty - 'cause the face-recognition system is gonna explode after having to focus on that many faces per photo. To give you a rough idea of how many people turned up - the heat generated within that 25m by 10m function room did, by my calculations, contribute significantly to Global Warming. Tsk tsk.

The most heartwarming moment of the evening was during photo-taking; everyone was chanting, “Special friend, special friend, come…” It was your girl-friend-from-NCC’s turn to take a photo with you, and standing beside her, you were flushed a rich, beetroot red. A Kodak moment!

A heartfelt ‘Thank you’ for not catering SFI food tonight, mate. 2 years of the stuff has really taken its toll on my mental faculties. “Yes Sir, No Sir, Anything you say, Sir.” No more please.

While brushing teeth just now I found black pepper stuck between my teeth. Meaning to say that it had been there since my 3 plates of dinner, through photo-taking – CHEESE!!!- and all the way from lakeside to bedok mrt. Either no one saw it or they were polite and didn’t mention it. OR EVIL & laughing behind my back. RATS.

Also, hope you find the book useful. No, Jeremy, it’s not about Karma Sutra. Sorry about the Christmas wrapping, though. I did cancel the 'Christmas'es in the poems on the wrapping and scribble 'Birthday', though. A rather nice, personal, touch (I'd like to think). Haha. Only realized today that all we had at home was blasted Christmas wrapping! At least my present wasn't unwrapped in a shopping bag labeled ‘CONVERSE’ (just bought 25minutes ago), or an NTUC plastic bag (THE HORROR). Whatever happened to the tradition of gift-wrapping? Thrown out the window, that’s what!

It’s somewhat melancholic for us who attended your party, seeing that it doubled as a farewell dinner. All the best in your studies, bro, remember to have fun in Britain - where chicks have the sexiest accents!

The Cow/Corporation Analogy

2007-09-19T00:57:00.000-07:00

First read this back in NS when it appeared in my email inbox, courtesy of Guorong. Recently created quite a bit of interest in a couple of friends; just decided to post it here for the archives, for future reference & future laughs.

Without further ado, the very witty, cow analogy of the corporations from different countries!

-Traditional Corporation-
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

-An American Corporation-
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

-A French Corporation-
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

-A Japanese Corporation-
You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

-A German Corporation-
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

-A British Corporation-
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

-A Russian Corporation-
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

-A Swiss Corporation-
You have 5,000 cows and none belongs to you.
You charge others for storing them.

-A Chinese Corporation-
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

-An Indian Corporation-
You have two cows.
You worship them.

-A Malaysian Corporation-
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

-A Singaporean Corporation-
You have two cows.
One is COW-PEH and the other COW-BU.

Saving the World...1 Watt at a time!

2007-09-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Help save energy by using the new cool black google search engine!

http://www.blackle.com/

Essential Life-Skillz: Keeping a pet?

2007-09-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

Dogs, cats, mice, hamsters, rabbits, mynahs, parrots, lizards, fish.
Apart from simply being animals, what do the above have in common? Pretty obvious right? The above animals have and can be domesticated. You can tame them. People keep them as pets.

Have you ever wanted to have a pet? Have you thought about why you wanted a pet?

I mean, you have to clean up after it, bathe it, you have to spend money buying food and accessories for it (somewhat akin to keeping a girlfriend, but CHEAPER), you have to make sure it gets enough exercise (hopefully your girlfriend does this on her own), and last but not least, you have to provide it love and care.

Sounds simple? These are just the 4 basics when it comes to taking care of a pet. But there’s a LOT more to it. Let’s break it down; see if you have what it takes to look after one.

Bathing and cleaning up after it. Hell, some people won't even do the same for their aged parents; they get all icky about it, which is wrong. Surely our parents are worth much, much more than animals in our eyes.

Next, feeding a pet. Easy right? Just ensure both bowls are filled with food and water. But have you noticed there are an increasing number of anorexics these days? Worrying? They can't even manage their own diet, not to mention anyone else's. I’m quite surprised to see that dogs don’t piss on their spindly, lamppost-thin owners, just to mark their territory. I’m joking-dogs are too intelligent to do that-more intelligent than some people I know.

Let's talk about exercise. Do you walk your dog? Do you let your rabbits out once in a while? Do you invest in a hamster-wheel (or treadmill) for your little rodent friend? DO YOU EVEN EXERCISE? Once in a blue moon? Once in a moon with purply-pink-striped-and-gold-sparkles? Oh, I know the perfect pet for you, yes you, you couch-potato. A real low maintenance pet - a sloth. You can enjoy Saturday Night Movies & Sunday Matinees together, a bowl of popcorn in between, but if you move any slower the sloth’ll get all the popcorn.

Love and care huh. First, show a little love and care to the elderly and disabled. Same goes for your parents and siblings.

So much for taking care of a pet. But lets get back to why people have pets.

I remember a conversation with Meiying sometime back about her adorable pet Chinchilla. This is how it went:

kev: Hey… What IS that?
Meiying (matter-of-fact tone): It’s a Chinchilla!
kev: Cool! It’s like a mutant rabbit-mouse hybrid!
Meiying: No! It’s a species all by itself!
kev: Wow… So what can it do?
Meiying: It can jump!
kev: Alriight! Is that all?
Meiying: It’s cute and furry, nocturnal and has retractable claws too!
kev: So it’s awake when you’re asleep and can hold its own against burglars?
Meiying: Yep! :)

2 utterly useless attributes if you ask me, but it makes up for them in cuteness.

Why not invest in a pet that eats pests like flies & mosquitoes? (Lizards/spiders)
Eats garbage? (Cockroaches)
Eats your homework? (Dog)
Eats pests like an annoying younger brother? (Piranha)
Or one that can talk to you? (Parrot)
Heal wounds? (Leeches)
Beat you at chess? (Chimpanzee, you stupid fool)

Keeping pets like these are a whole lot more beneficial. Dogs, cats, chimpanzees & gorillas make for intelligent pets; give them a little time and training and they could probably do your homework better than you could ever do. Dolphins are by far the smartest of the lot. Ask me why when you see me.

But I digress. The most rewarding attribute of a pet is unconditional love. They love you unconditionally, and with all their heart. There is a saying about an ugly man: “The only woman that’ll ever love him is his mother.”(Don't say this to your male friends)

It’s THAT kind of love I’m talking about. You are ALL THE WORLD to your pet. You are like what the Sun is to the Earth. You are the Wind to the Sailing boat. You are No-Signboard-Seafood-Restaurant-Chilli-Crab to Singaporeans (I should be paid for this advertisement, bah). You are Garbage! To the Karang-guni-man, of course...

Show that same love for your pet, please.

Twenty-two

2007-09-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

Just lifting my post off the Friendster bulletin board to keep track of myself, at this point in life.

Two Names You Go By: kev & monster
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now: Boxers & a ear-stik
Two Things You Want in a Relationship: Quarrels & post-argument make-up sex.
Two of Your Favorite Things to do: Laugh unrestrainedly. Laugh uninhibitedly alongside someone else.
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment: To be Carefree. An object of affection.
Two favourite brand of clothes: Hollister. Abercrombie & Fitch.
Two things you did last night: Study PPCDL notes. Sleep early.
Two things you ate today: Milk with Strawberries and cereal. Mom's fried beehoon.
Two people you Last Talked To: A nurse and a tailor.
Two Things You're gonna do tomorrow: Accomplish everything I set out to do, & to do it well.
Two Favorite Holidays: Public & Self-declared.
Two favorite beverages: Honey-milk tea with pearls. A vanilla Frappucino from Coffee Bean.
Two favorite TV shows: Just for laughs. America's got talent.
Two favorite foods: Western & Oriental (too many to be too specific)
Two of your least favorite things to do: Anything defined as a Chore. Watch helplessly as an opportunity(someone or somethin') slips away.
Two things you want to do before you die: To be at peace with God and my loved ones. To be able to say I've lived life to the fullest!

Humans are such deceitful creatures.

A simple psychological test with 2 possible outcomes has proved this. After the test was conducted and the results recorded, the psychology behind the choices were made known to the participants. When asked to recall their choices, the difference between numbers totalled in the previous records and that of their recollection was staggering. The enlightened participants actually recalled (convinced themselves unconsciously) selecting the outcome which put them in a more positive light!

I hope I never do that to myself.

You know... you could go your whole life through deceiving the people around you, but I could never stand to live a lie. If you come to the point where you start deceiving yourself, then you are truly lost.

I'm a lean, mean, civilian machine!

2007-09-12T00:35:00.001-07:00

This post is 4 days late.

No matter how many a sophisticated thought might pulse through the neurons found in the soft, convulated mass of gray and white matter belonging to a one-celled protozoa of the order Amoebida, no matter how few and simple the mindless impulses of its ostentatious counterpart, homo-sapiens, such as you; we both share the same liberating primal pleasure in shouting out loud and free, releasing all the pent up energies and frustrations from within.

Here is what I want to shout today (in my room by myself so as not to hurt the feelings of others still in bondage).

Here it comes...

ORD LOH!

Essential Life-Skillz: Learning a Language

2007-05-13T06:58:00.000-07:00

For ages I've been wanting to learn a 3rd language; but til today still remain undecided as to which language to take up. I also regret not being able to learn my chinese well, and quitting French studies in Sec 2. Should I pick up Malay? Singapore is, after all, surrounded by Melayu speaking countries. Japanese? Whatever for? So I can understand and waste lots of time watching Animes? No thanks.

Anyway, the following research summary was done for a friend who needed help with a paper:

The first opinion is that languages can be learned mainly through imitation. The learner can reproduce a sentence that he has heard before or memorized. However, this is only surface level and there is no real understanding of the words that form the sentence. The learner will only be waiting for a chance to use the sentence. Through imitation of certain phrases but a weak grasp of sentence structure, they may come up with their own, new , never before heard sentences, which most of the time turn out to be grammatically wrong. One benefit from this is that the learners can practice their pronunciation and intonation.

It has been observed that parents correct their children’s speech, more often relative to the increasing age and maturity of the child. If they focus on the meaning of the sentence rather than form, it only corrects the choice of words but does not assist in helping the child to grasp successful communication.

Then, of course, we have the learners with a high IQ. Studies have shown a high success rate for this group of people, especially when assessing the oral communication skill and not metalinguistic knowledge.

Success is not imperative for users with a high level of motivation as there are other factors to take into account, such as the learning aptitude and method of instruction relative to the learners’ preference for learning. It is argued that teachers have no influence over a learner’s fundamental motivation. They can influence learners by providing a supportive and stimulating environment with activities appropriate to the culture and age group of the students. As such, positive motivation will increase success greatly.

Another opinion is that second language learners make errors due to interference from their native language. Since languages have structures and grammar distinctive to themselves, second language learners will have difficulties rediscovering the new language and often tend to transfer patterns from their first language. Doubly so if the learners interact with other learners who commit the same mistakes.

Habits, once formed, are tough to kick. As such, errors should be brought to the attention of the learner and corrected as quickly as possible. Persistent errors should be dealt with in the same way. Teachers play a vital role in this aspect, but must keep in mind that constant feedback may demoralize the learner and discourage them even more.

When interacting as a group, learners can get good practice in speaking and participating in group-work than just being spoon-fed by a teacher. It is unlikely that learners will commit more mistakes than usual in this situation but the drawback is that no one in the group is able to correct their groups’ mistakes as their level of language is on the same level. Teachers must thus design the task in a way that enables the learners to discover knowledge and information about the second language they didn’t know they had.

There is a debate on how much students absorb. Of course, students are restricted by sequences of development. Even when fed with a richer language input, they find themselves inadequate to learn a certain language feature and will end up being frustrated. Conversely, vocabulary can be self-taught as long as the users have the interest to improve. In this way, learners may also learn a great deal more than they were taught.

In conclusion, there are many variables when it comes down to learning a language. Personal characteristics of a learner, the structure of their native and target languages, learning through interaction with speakers of the target language and environment and manner of instruction are such factors.

Essential Life-Skillz: Getting an MC (Medical Cert)

2007-05-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

It's been ages since I made myself fall ill. "How did I do that?" you might ask. Well, all you chao-keng-ing, school & work-skipping no-good-doers, i shall divulge the secret recipe, passed down through my family from generation to generation, for your benefit.

Recipe for a 3day MC (Warning: Very Strong)

INGREDIENTS:
1 tablespoons freshly harvested King Cobra venom
3kg pure unadulterated wasabi paste
1 cup of your brother's freshly dug nose booger (if you do not have a brother, a sister will do just fine)
An Origami Swan folded by a Striped Panda hatched from the egg of the Easter Bunny.

DIRECTIONS:
Throw into blender and blend thoroughly.

Serves: 1

BON APPETITE!

Disclaimer: What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger!!

Well, a day after downing that nasty concoction, and rather sick n' tired of being sick n' tired, I attempted to cure myself with another homemade remedy; this time consisting largely of window-cleaning fluid. Sad (needless) to say, it was ineffective.

So now I'm stuck with a nasty cough, but thats alright. 'least my neighbours are happy. The ENTIRE condominium compound is running on electricity generated by yours truly. Yes, by harnessing the sound and kinetic energy of my cough. Windspeeds taken at mouth exceeded the product of Hurricane Katrina, Mitch and Emily.

Say what? This Energy-Harnessing-Generator? I built it myself - out of Mcdonalds straws, fishfood and freshly-plucked nostril hairs (only mine will work).

Anyways, I am at my weakest now, so guys, if any of yas wants to bash my brains in, now's yer chance!

I'm a lean, mean, strawberry-eatin' machine!

2007-04-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Finished the second punnet of strawberries today – was awesomely shweet. Told my mom I didn’t have anything to do with them missing strawberries. She didn’t buy it. Driscoll’s RLY RAWKS. Reminds me of the time in NZ as a kiddo, when I got sick in the car from stuffing myself with the freshly picked fruit. Never learnt my lesson, NEVER WILL. Anyhow, try washing your mouth with peach soap whilst eating strawberries. It befuddles yer brain..