Essential Life-Skillz: Getting an MC (Medical Cert)

It's been ages since I made myself fall ill. "How did I do that?" you might ask. Well, all you chao-keng-ing, school & work-skipping no-good-doers, i shall divulge the secret recipe, passed down through my family from generation to generation, for your benefit.

Recipe for a 3day MC (Warning: Very Strong)

INGREDIENTS:
1 tablespoons freshly harvested King Cobra venom
3kg pure unadulterated wasabi paste
1 cup of your brother's freshly dug nose booger (if you do not have a brother, a sister will do just fine)
An Origami Swan folded by a Striped Panda hatched from the egg of the Easter Bunny.

DIRECTIONS:
Throw into blender and blend thoroughly.

Serves: 1

BON APPETITE!

Disclaimer: What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger!!


Well, a day after downing that nasty concoction, and rather sick n' tired of being sick n' tired, I attempted to cure myself with another homemade remedy; this time consisting largely of window-cleaning fluid. Sad (needless) to say, it was ineffective.

So now I'm stuck with a nasty cough, but thats alright. 'least my neighbours are happy. The ENTIRE condominium compound is running on electricity generated by yours truly. Yes, by harnessing the sound and kinetic energy of my cough. Windspeeds taken at mouth exceeded the product of Hurricane Katrina, Mitch and Emily.

Say what? This Energy-Harnessing-Generator? I built it myself - out of Mcdonalds straws, fishfood and freshly-plucked nostril hairs (only mine will work).

Anyways, I am at my weakest now, so guys, if any of yas wants to bash my brains in, now's yer chance!