Essential Life-Skillz: Dialects of Today, Communication of Tomorrow

In today’s increasingly competitive society, communication is a skill essential for survival in the working world. This is especially true in Singapore, because of its ethnic and cultural diversity. Any Tom, Dick and Harry can speak a second language or dialect on top of his native tongue. From the time you step out of your house to the moment you fall asleep - all through the day - your ears would have been assaulted with an incomprehensible cacophony of sounds and noises. And yes, I’ve taken into account the fact that you aren’t a heavy-metal junkie.

Back in our parents’ time, dialects such as Hokkien, Cantonese & Teochew were commonplace, but since these stemmed from the Chinese language, even if you were unable to converse in the dialect, you would at least be able to understand most of what was being said. Le meng-pek wa kong si-mi?

What’s all the fuss about, dude? Why are you making such a big hoo-ha? You're blind! The solution is so obvious - English! English alone is sufficient. It is the unofficial universal language! Everyone should be able to understand English by now, if not, they deserve to be labeled as uneducated sons-without-fathers and should be damned to a-very-fiery-place!

I’m reluctant to burst your bubble, but - contrary to popular belief - the universal language is, in actual fact, constituted by a single upward gesture involving the middle appendage of either hand, often accompanied by a well-mannered sneer. Now that’s what I call universally understood, won’t you agree?

Okay, okay. So we become bilingual. We master 2 languages (Singlish no count!) and more. We communicate effectively. We curse and swear in multiple languages. Just when we thought we had it all TC of, just when we think we’re doing A-OK, along comes something called JARGON (pronounced jahr-gon). No, it’s not a polygon with jarventeen sides and jarventeen angles. Yes, the cookie jar is still there. And NO, it’s not that goofy alien from Star Wars: Episode 1.

Wikipedia - Jargon is terminology related to a specific activity, profession or group. Much like slang, it develops as a kind of shorthand, to express ideas frequently discussed between members of a group. Let me give you a few examples commonly found in NS…

• ATTN B – Attend ‘B’, personnel excused from strenuous or physical training, but are otherwise required to be present for the training or class. More likely a Chow Keng (see below)
• Chow Keng – Malingerer. Lazy bugger.
• Clusterf*ck – A disastrous situation that results from the cumulative errors of several people or groups, more often than not, constituted of c*cksters (see below)
• C*ckster – A person who is habitually confused or amusing in a weird way. More than likely to gabra (see below)
• Gabra – To be exceedingly confused and ultimately... to f*ck things up.
• NATO – No Action Talk Only.
• WALI – Walk around looking important. (I plead, NOT GUILTY)
• WTFO – What the !@#$, Over.

If you found these chim, I've got news for you. These are just the tip of the iceberg. Computer scientists, doctors, and sports commentators all speak a language of their own. And that's not counting a certain friend named Sandy. If it hasn't already dawned on you... the average person like you and I cannot hope to comprehend a mere 1% of the world’s jargon. But don't start panicking now! ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST... yet

Aside from those, we have yet to master the countless Abbreviations wherever we go.

Here are some from back in school:

• ASS – Anderson Secondary School
• CCA – Co-curricular Activities
• IC – In-charge
• NCC – National Cadet Corps
• NPCC – National Police Cadet Corps

The corporate world:

• CEO – Chief Executive Officer
• CFO – Chief Finance Officer
• CDW – Chief-Dog-Walker

Good luck with those.

SMS. The innovation that is text messaging does nothing to help the already dying English language. A beautifully refined request to watch a film together with a acquaintance is reduced to an abominable “Wan2go4movie l8er?” Believe it or not – After months of training, talented txt msgers are able to squeeze a 150 word essay into a single txt msg, thumb down to the intended recipient and ‘send’, all within a full half-minute! No mean feat, indeed! Whether the development of this ‘useful’ skill is a product of innovativeness and the need to save money, or just plain laziness, we will never know. Okay, dude, I see your point… K, k I c ur pt… bah.

As if we hadn’t enough to deal with, new sub-languages are created everyday.

13375P34l<, or ‘leetspeak’, is one such example. Proficient gamers are adept at conversing in leetspeak, in fact it is deemed cool to have nicknames such as...

• D00MBR1NG3R (DOOMBRINGER)
• N0ol3-K1LL3R (Newbie-killer)
• 7H3_PWN3R3R (the pwnerer, whatever that means)

Sentences composed entirely of leetspeak, lightly interspersed with obscenities and taunts, are an integral part of in-game-chat, in games such as DOTA, for instance.

“Got $ buy BKB anot?!” “QOP, help!” “PWN HIM, tat @#$%er!” “LOL, N00B!”

Quoting a gamer friend of mine: “Everytime we say ‘lol’, we’re contributing to the death of the English language.” How true. LoL.

The death of the English language? OH PLEASE! Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill! It's true. Singaporean’s grasp of the language is deteriorating, whether they care to acknowledge it or not. If you will let me, I will show you how to spot the symptoms.

Go to your MSN messenger and scroll down the list. Before you misunderstand, hear me out, please. I know all about democracy and freedom of expression, and it’s not my intention to be a killjoy and stifle your creativity, but I’m pretty sure no one wants their friends to get a migraine from trying to decipher their nicknames, including you. Some of the atrocities are…

CoOL, I tYpInG LiKe A 3yEaR oLd
ihavenospacebar
SRRYMYCAPSLOCKSPOIL
>lV3d5 NM0(-3(!5dn
?GNIPYT SDRAWKCAB ,TUOBA WOH

If you have something to say, something of substance, the importance of your shout-out should be conveyed through a proper English sentence. Take, for instance, this famous saying:

A leader is a dealer in hope. – Napoleon Bonaparte

Imagine this famous quote from a great leader like Monsieur Bonaparte, framed in a speech bubble, which now reads:

~a LeAd3R iS a DeALeR iN HoPe.~ (Signed off as) N4p0L3ON l3oNaP4R73.

WTF? Would you take him seriously? Not me. The substance contained within the message has all but evaporated. My impression of him is of a ridiculously dressed clown balancing atop a donkey & shuffling a deck of cards. Dealer in hope, my ASS.

Imagine where we're headed, somewhere in the near future, that every sentence we'd read was as such. Deal out as much hope as you want, but i fear – NOW – ALL HOPE IS LOST! (cue- Start Panicking)